this is my false intimacy

Inspired by KT's insightful words, I'm updating. I was going to anyways... really. Most of what I have to talk about I can't talk about yet.

I've been going in shifts between feeling stressed and irresponsible to feeling on top of the world.

Saturday my dad is coming over with my brother (and his baby pug!!!) to work on my deck. I think I'm getting a visit from Adam today too. That'd be nice. The deck is in pieces right now but half of it is beautiful. You'll all love it. Patio parties at my place sooner than later.

Speaking of, Sunday Jonathan and Eugene are coming over with J's Dominoes table. I've never played this before but he says I'll like it. We're looking for a fourth player but neither of us are ready to meet each other's significant others yet. He's harping on me to get dfs or Stefan to come play but I've a feeling they're both working this weekend. I think it'll be up to Eugene to find a fourth. That guy plays Settlers. I'm stoked.

That night'll be our BM meeting! Woot! I got to see Dust and Illusions last Wednesday. It got me so rev'd up for BM. KT, if there's a screening in TO you, Jamie, and Kris should check it out.

I've been healthy lately. Lots of sex. Only smoked pot once in the past 2 months. I countered that with mushrooms though - once on wreck. So awesome.

I'm trying to like Secret Mommy right now. I'm not sure I do.

"i'll see you after burning man"

i really appreciate my friends, the good ones. i really do.

i was irresponsible today. i don't blame the sun though. i blame my youth.

this really is starting to seem like another summer of hedonism. i don't like that though. i wasn't a good person then.

i need to do some chores.

over.

As far as I can tell the BBQ was a hit.

I stressed for a while the night previous about the fact that very little was planned. Matthew and Alex came shortly after and helped immensely.

My life has become rather complicated by my own making. I'm not listening to heeded warnings. Maybe I'm not explaining it fully?

There are ghosts to-dos of the past haunting me right now, making it difficult to relax.

My house is a sty again. It was so clean last night...

Maybe Tyler will help clean up.

My foot is still in so much pain.

Nice to do Critical Mass again.

A pedestrian attacked me as one of two people blocking the left hand turners from driving into the mass. He grabbed Matthew's bike first and started dragging it. Then he went after mine. He tried to pull it into traffic to get us out of the way, yelling "let these people go home to their families". I yelled at him to stop and pulled my bike back, angrily. He was stronger than me and dragged me with the bike a little bit. People came to my defense. He wandered into the middle of the street and started pushing people off of their bikes. One guy had a 5 or 6 year old riding tandem on the back. Not cool. Then he went after me again, this time grabbing my arm. I hit him hard on the wrist and started screaming at him. It could be my morning-after-drunk-recap embellishing, but he did seem a little unsure of himself when I started coming at him. A couple of guys were trying to get between us to stop it. Women had gotten off their bikes to pull him away. He wandered over to their bikes, picked them up, and tried to throw them into traffic. Finally some guy pulled him to the ground and bound his arms back. He looked like he was going to start hitting him but everyone yelled at him to stop. The cops came shortly after and Matthew and I decided to ride on. There were enough corkers by then.

I realized while riding that he'd broken my gears. I can't gear down anymore. I realized halfway through the ride that I'd also managed to get a fairly large gash out of my foot. There was lots of blood.

I decided to ride home and do some first aid.

Not the best Critical Mass I've ever had, but certainly the most interesting to talk about.

Afterward was drinks with PFU bikers and Derrick and Steven. Very fun.

I am hungover and sore this morning. My foot hurts.

PO picnic this Sunday. I'm actually quite excited about this one. :) No alcohol. Poi, Hoop, Juggling, Contact Juggling, Skip Rope, Tug-O-War, Frisbee, and Fire-Spinning after a BBQ.

Ultimate tonight.

Today I am not going in to work. Instead, I will deep clean my house. Its been way too long since I participated in anything outside of my bedroom...

I found my book of work secrets, thank god. I was starting to fear someone at work had picked it up and suddenly knew things about their coworkers that they shouldn't. Then I started to wonder if perhaps I shouldn't keep it all in one book? Hmm...

Critical Mass with Matthew on Friday! Yeah! Its been forever since I've done that.

Saturday Dad comes to build the deck? Maybe? I got Rosalind to pay for it. I think sales/fundraising may be my niche. $1,500. More than the entirety of our inside renovations 4 years ago...

I have to re-do aspects of my Electoral Report. This makes me unhappy, but only briefly, when I think about it.

My default is happy. Its been that way for a while. I think I got lost in the wondering a little while back.

i'm not going to talk about it. but i had a wonderful weekend. wonderful.

and i'm a bad person. bad amanda.

oh the internal conflicts of the socialite.

i feel like i could sigh deeply and melt away. then there'd be nothing to worry about.

Sunday night: practice throwing frisbee in the street
Monday night: work till 11pm
Tuesday night: wicked ulti game
Wednesday night: practice ulti at Trout Lake, then beer and pool
Thursday night: two more wicked ulti games, more practice, beer, then chinese food

I so missed that. Now my body is wonderfully sore again.

Off to the bank and then auditors with this report!

--period! yes! one down, one to go.--

My mother is my saviour. Friday I tried my best to get the report ready for audit. I ended up nearly in tears from not fully understanding whether I was doing it right or I was setting up our constituency for legal trouble.

Haida called me at 2:00 and asked if I wanted to take a break and eat food with her. I jumped at the opportunity, met her at Bandidas, and poured out all my woes into her willing ears. I finally realized that while I wasn't an accountant, my mother was. Not just that, but also a former auditor and current CFO. A call from her and she came over to help me.

I am so mean to her so often but she's always the one that bails me out of every mess I find myself in. We're so similar in personality; she understands my impetuous whims and emotional outbursts.

In about half an hour she'll be back and we'll be doing the last two forms. I'll be ready for Monday. Enns and Co has told me no one else has submitted their reports yet either. I may well be the first, which means I'll be the first to file with Elections BC. What started as an insurmountable crisis is turning into an example of good planning and organization.

I want to spend my Sunday at Car Free Day AND Wreck but I have a Burning Man meeting tonight at 7:30, my house. It's needed, too. August is coming up fast...

In my sick delirium I imagine I have two familiars. Winnie and Taz are my little guardians. They follow me wherever I go, sit and lie near me, with ears that perk up whenever they hears something unusual.

A little, long-haired, calico-coloured cat wandered into our house through tyler's open bedroom window. He called me over to ask who she was. I didn't know. Winnie and Taz followed shortly, their little noses searching for the source of the new smell. Taz figured it out first and wandered closer to get a better look. It took Winnie a bit more time, but once she saw the visitor she bounded over to it, fur coat turned full body mohawk. The little calico hissed, meowed loudly, and ran out of the house with Winnie on her tail. Now my two little creatures are back with me on my bed, curled into two little balls.

I came home sick from work today. I just want to get better.

Sick as a dog I got through five internal meetings at differing levels and made $72.34 in 3 canvassing hours. I hope my Door Crew is doing well tonight.

I skipped Ultimate again. This time I'm just deathly ill. Julian is coming over to cook and tuck me in. He says he doesn't mind the wheezing. We'll see. Sweet sweet man.

My head feels like a balloon. I hope I'm better by tomorrow. My boss is coming with me on shift to observe and make suggestions. *stress*

A while back Clea introduced Julie Doucet as an artist I would enjoy. Caelie read that and offered me two of her novels. I just began and finished My New York Diary. I love her.

I'm so ill right now. I woke up at 5am, wheezing. How did this happen so quickly? I'm glad it's cold and cloudy out today. Winter weather gives me a cozy ill feeling. At this point I'm not sure whether or not I'm grateful for the cold. It will mean that I have to slow down.

Julian showed me Bonobo the other day. I've been listening to the album, Sweetness for the last few days.

I spent the last hour soaking in a hot bath. Now I'm back in bed with my window open, under the covers. I want someone to take care of me today. I don't want to go to work.

Ultimate is tonight. I'm being berated for not showing up to all games. Ultimate was never this stressful before. I regret inviting demanding people to play with me. I regret accepting the invitation to play with them.

I've been cutting people out of my immediate social sphere quite actively lately, and inviting new people in. Breaks are necessary, I think.

Remembering that I am not really bound by any major commitments is useful. I am the only person who's really restricting myself.

I envy Gar's ability to just jump into new situations sometimes. I suppose I do it in other areas. He seems to be able to do it in the areas I'm most afraid of.

I can putter for an hour if I want to before I should leave for work today.

At some point I'll make orange juice.

$80 in 3 hours. I can see why the phone room targets are way higher than other mediums. I can fundraise. Who'm I kidding? My phone conference with the Edmonton Door Manager confirmed that this medium is the most difficult. It was nice to hear someone else say that.

Chinese with the PFU crew. Fun with sarcasm. I love those guys.

Bed time. Tomorrow I work street. Rad.

I have a new friend. I might be crushing on her a little bit though.

This weekend was relaxing. Friday night I worked on the campaign aftermath for a bit, met Carol on turf, did some training, came home oh so late, and took Julian to Clea's party. Bed at 2am.

Up at 10am. Breakfast at Bandidas. Cuddling with cats at home. Biked to Derrick's. Biked to Havana's. Gin and Tonics on the patio. Biked home. Adrian's volunteer party 'till 11pm. Home to bed.

Sunday I wandered to JJ Bean to get a morning coffee and a muffin. Ran into Conor, Alex, Emilie, Laura, and Mary. Conor came home with me and kept me company while I did campaign paperwork. We burned all the leftover paper to shred. I paid bills. We chatted. Tyler woke up and started building little models in the living room to join us. I put on Bonobo and started hooping outside in the sunshine. Remembering I still had that rhubarb plant from Maja, I started gardening. Conor came out to hoop while watching. Emilie came over. Conor and Emilie dug out a rock from the bed of earth I was trying to dig in while I rested. Success! They started hooping again. I planted the rhubarb. Watered. I started playing with poi. Lunch time. Friends left for beer somewhere. I met Alissa for lunch. Sangria, chips and salsa, tacos, great conversation. We continue back at my place. Matthew comes over. The three of us drink and play. Emilie, Alex, Conor, and Tyler come over. Party in the front yard. Alissa goes home. I bring out fire poi.
So.
Much.
Fun.
Matthew and I go inside to watch Mutual Appreciation before I have to give it back. Bed Time.

And now its Monday morning...

this sweet love

Feeling good.

Aside from a couple of missed social commitments, the beginning of a cough, and a lack of detailed attention to the state of my personal finances, everything in my life seems to be coming together.

The next three hours of today will be spent doing laundry, tidying my room, and sorting out the details of the campaign aftermath. I really should have started that last one sooner.

I need to become better at saying no to social invitations.

Aaaand let the clean-up begin!

I'M BACK, BABY!

$75 in 5 PACs today. Maybe its the medium? I have a conference call tomorrow morning with two other Door Managers in Canada to share tips and tricks. I'm stoked. Missy will cut my hair before that, finally.

Four Tet is blasting from the living room. I'm finally home, beer in hand. The Skytrain wasn't working after work today... Jules should be here any moment.

I don't want to go to bed right away. I want to do something... maybe pot and poi... its just so damn hot outside...

Summer crushin' hard this year. There are many. More than my two.

I feel like my body and mind are motoring along as fast as this drum beat these days...

Jules! Yes!

My Monday rawked. I woke up around ten to a room full of sunshine and desperate need for water. The night before was PEACHES. So fucking awesome. I put some more on my iTunes that morning after and slowly puttered my way to work.

Lazy work morning with fun conversation. I get to turf and am in complete control, finally. We set out and make a bunch of money in the sunshine. My canvasser gets hit on by someone. We buy a bottle of white wine, walk out to the middle of a rock near Jericho beach and drink it with great conversation. When I get home Jules comes to visit.

So perfect.

Today I work indoors in the Mall program. In Coquitlam Centre. Barf me with a spoon. I am mildly stressed at the moment wondering how to arrange for correct canvassing tonight with a supervisor who hasn't done door before...

Tonight is an Executive meeting that I'm blowing off Ultimate to attend.

I hope to see Jules again after that. <3

woah! wreck all day. i woke up in north van this morning. what? who lives there, really?

i'm almost burnt.

i'm loving work folk lately. lots of crab park fun last night. i drank two howe sound ipas, lost my shoes, and was driven on a bicycle with my legs propped up by a drunk bike driver back to the office. we made our way to denny's. i fashioned a vegan breakfast order out of a veggie pattie. we fell right to sleep after a not-so-sober car ride to somewhere in north van. i woke wondering how i'd get home if i was suddenly abandoned. instead, my man-friend, M, woke up, introduced me to his roommate and we all smoked a joint to start the day. beautiful.

laundry at his, dishes at mine, a grocery trip, and we're at wreck. the first ocean swim of the year, white and red wine, lots of poi, rachel!, a whole mix of people from my life, pot, pot, pot, new friends, frisbee!, and a little hooping. golden.

i just got driven home by two of M's roommates and my skin is glowing. nantes is playing from my living room.

lovely catch up with haida just now.

gonna make some hashbrowns. i'd love to see jules tonight. can't get ahold of him.

sweet sweet dreams tonight.

What do I do when I get home from an ultimate game at 9:30pm? Check my work mail...

M and I are "dating" now. Full disclosure. I think we've spent three of the last five nights together.

I miss Jules though. We can't seem to coordinate our schedules. Hopefully we'll get to see each other this Sunday. I'd like him to come down to Burning Man with me.

I've been staying up way too late and drinking way too much. My throat hurts - might be a cold?

Ulti tonight kicked. The first game was way too hot and blew, but the second was super chill with the setting sun. I love that game.

I need food. I've only eaten a Nuba wrap today...

well well well. dating, and how!

those two boys took up a majority of my weekend. and i'm having trouble choosing. i break into a grin at the thought of things both of them have done recently.

i had a fantastic weekend! fantastic!

saturday i had brunch with mom, did some needed house chores, strolled through the farmer's market, walked over to clea's, had beer on her sunny patio with her lovely roommate, lisa, went to zawa for more patio beer with three more friends, and went to DH and Jan's for a barbeque and even more friends with gin and tonic. so much sunshine.

sunday i woke to my dad, my brother, and one of my two love interests. together they renovated my deck. together! dfs, jess, and KT via Skype met me at mine to talk burning man. my lovely man and i decorated the new deck. he went home around four. lovely man number two came over and went down to wreck with me to watch the sunset light up the mountains with pink and orange. back at mine we made dinner and watched Metropolitan until late in the evening.

i'm on a social and sunshine high.

i think i'll drink this coffee solo on my new deck.

beautiful beautiful weekend.

SATURDAY! Oh the joy joy joy of a day off.

I'm drinking Kokanee leftover from some party or another, unwanted by the rest of the household. I have finished nearly all of the dishes now. I have cleaned the cat litter. I have swept the floor. The sun is shining and Battles is pumping out of the living room speakers.

I woke this morning to a face-full of chocolate almond milk. Winnie knocked over a half-full plastic cup I left sitting above me on my windowsill last night. Just now the dryer finished drying my newly washed sheets.

Luckily Mom called just after my rude awakening. I was able to vent angrily and loudly into the phone, to her delight. She enjoys hearing about the cat's misbehavior when it isn't happening at her house. Because she'd forgotten her work keys at home, we went for brunch. Her boss let her in an hour later.

This new boy is giving me butterflies. I enjoy having butterflies again. Mom says its a bad idea to keep seeing this one. I'm used to her saying that, but this time she may well have a point.

Happy birthday to Clea! I will see her at some point today for beer. Jan is having a barbecue at seven tonight. Deena will be there. Joy. Joy. Joy.

I'm making up with my roommates slowly. Tyler and I talked gardening today and strategies for improving the deck. I called Haida last night, mid-shift, to explain that I'd removed all the campaign material from the living room and was working on washing and putting away all the campaign dishes. She's still angry at me, though we did clarify that it was a short term reactionary anger. There is still love.

In the computer game The Sims, when your "social" bar is low, you start losing friends. That's sort of where I am right now. I spent so much time on the campaign and now at work with my new canvassers, that all those friends used to seeing me regularly are starting to become enemies. I'll be working on increasing my social bar for the next few days.

dfs wants me to come with him to the horse track this afternoon. I want to make sure the house is clean and I get to spend time with Clea, but it'd be rad to go.

Tomorrow Dad is coming over to help me with the deck. I have a mini-BM meeting while he'll be here to discuss theme camp registration. Then I'd hoped to check out Maja Grip's plant sale at her place.

Two boys are interested in my evenings right now and neither of them are the boys I thought I'd be excited about last month. I think I'm starting to understand dating, though it does seem like quite a bit of work.

I might make it out to wreck Sunday afternoon. That would be so nice. Maybe I'll remember about poi.

Joy. Joy. Joy.